I don’t feel guilty

My Mum still hasn’t talked to me since the Memorial issue. She emailed me a few days ago about a car she bought me (when I told her I specifically didn’t want it) but nothing further. I’m not really sure what she wants from me and right now I really don’t care. I don’t feel guilty at all. I did what was right for me in the situation.

In fact, I’m a little angry. It is somewhat unrelated and old news but I have been thinking about my childhood and her (and my Dad’s) input. It all started with overhearing someones conversation on the bus one morning. These parents did everything for their kids. They scheduled all their sports (3 kids per parent) and drove them each week. Not only that, but they volunteered for these organisations and teams. One of the kids really wanted to join the scouts but the Dad was concerned about the reputation scouts had at the time but rather than saying no to her instead he joined the scouts to as a leader!

I look back at my childhood and I only recall my parents doing these types of things very rarely. I don’t ever remember them volunteering for anything (especially if it was on a weekend) or encouraging me to try new sports and hobbies. In fact, most of my weekends I’d leave the house at 8am to go play with my friends and usually be fed breakfast by their parents because mine wouldn’t get out of bed for another 3 or 4 hours and even then, would have been severely hung over. Overall, they were too absorbed in themselves.

It makes me wonder what my life could have been like and what would have happened differently. Where would I be now if my parents encouraged me to play soccer, or do athletics or gymnastics at the age of 6. What if they took more interest in my school life and helped me out with assignments and homework? What if they took the time to push me?

I recall a time when my Mum did help me with assignments but it was limited to a few years in primary school. There was a time when they joined me up for scouts and let me join the school band but this spanned over about 2 or 3 years and no more. 19 years I lived with them and the only time I recall them taking an active interest in me was between the ages of 10 and 12.

I feel like they made me miss out on experiences in life that may have changed who I am completely. Maybe I would have had more friends, maybe I wouldn’t be overweight, maybe I’d be more active. Who knows? No one, but it would have been nice if they had actually made the effort to learn more about me.